28.03.06 - 17:50

"The Curious Incident of the Trash in the Nightime"

Background information: When first moved in to my new apartment, I paid a dodgy Mauritanian to take away my trash, as I believed I was supposed to do. But after a few days, this man just left my trash in front of my door, where a pack of goats inevitably ate bits of it and strew the rest about. After this, I decided to simply burn my trash on my roof. This man, as well as the supposed guardian (whom have not seen guarding for weeks) are impossible to find to talk to. And then, they only speak Hassaniya.

So three days ago, I found trash near my door. Assuming it was my next door neighbor's, I moved it aside. The next morning, I could not open my door, because said trash was pushed up right against it. I was only able to leave after slamming the door open with my body. This time, I flung the trash away from my door more carelessly, and looked to see who had done it, so I could explain that no, this trash was not mine. No one. I went to work. But when I came home last night, the trash was once again stacked right up against my door. So what did I do? I threw it into the entryway (this has a locked door which leads to the apartments of two neighbors), deliberatley hard enough to break the bag and scatter trash everywhere. Pause for a moment and gather your reflections of this action. OK. Now let me explain why I did it.

1. I was angry.
2. I knew that the guardian, who was the one I knew had stacked the trash against my door, would come running out of the woodwork, so to speak, to confront me about it.
3. By throwing it in the entryway, where the guardian is supposed to sleep, I would force him to deal with it.
4. It was an action that transcended language barriers. I would be understood.
5. Mauritanians aren't polite. The audience of this action was a Mauritanian.

But when the guardian came (I waited for him, of course), he just yelled that it was my garbage, that the people across the street had told him it was mine. I continually asserted it was not mine, but to no avail. So, after I stomped up to my apartment, he got my neighbors. Then, he banged on my door, tried to open it (THIS is why I always keep it locked.), and I walked into my new Spanish neighbor, who began yelling at me about how impolite I was. How terrible I was. And, why didn't I just come talk to her, if I had a problem? I tried to apologize, in a limited way, and explain, but she would hear none of it. My other neighbor, who has been here awhile, just looked at me and shrugged, saying quietly, "yeah, I saw the garbage outside her door this morning. It's true she couldn't get out." And the Spanish woman strode away, picking up the trash and banging doors on the way. And I completely and utterly understood why she was so angry at me. From her point of view, there was no excuse. So. As Miriam said, as I called to get advice, "if I had just come from the States, I would think you were totally wrong. But now, I get why you did it, and I don't think it's a big deal."

But here's my problem: I did something I'd never do in the States AND I did it without thinking of the other Westerners around me. The guardian was supposed to get mad, but Mauritanian's also get over anger and forgive in a 15 minute span. And, I might add, my action was successful. There is no more trash trapping me in my house.

What's weird is that I reacted in what I consider to be a Mauritanian way. Though I'm sorry to have insulted me neighbors, I honestly can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing over again. My problem wasn't with them, it was with a Mauritanian. And he got it. But he still never had to deal with it - the neighbor picked up the garbage. She dealt with it.

I realize that it seems like I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (Miriam, if she's reading it is saying, "uh, yes.") Here, I find that little things set me off and become symbols for major, yet nebulous, internal conflicts.

I just hope I lose the propensity toward these sorts of behaviors before I do something really stupid at home.

(If I go home. If I can ever feel that I belong there again).

Stupid

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